See The Father

I'm going to tell you a funny story... and then after that I'm going to share some hard stuff. But let's start off with something funny, ok?

When I was 6 years old, my daddy took me to Home Depot. He needed something manly I'm sure. Screws, drills, planks of wood, things men need. Over all I was a pretty well behaved child, but on this day, something happened and I became possessed. ( Maybe I wasn't possessed, but I was for sure showing my depravity.) I began to pester my dad to buy me something absolutely ridiculous. It was drawer pulls for a cabinet or something so absurdly bizarre like that. To this day, I have no idea why I wanted them. He said no and finished his manly shopping spree. To the outsider, it appeared as if I was just being the obedient child, accepting his answer with maturity of AT LEAST a 7 year old, maybe 8. Oh no. What I was doing was biding my time. We made our way through the check out station and dad made small talk with the clerk. She commented on my adorable hair bow that was three times the size of my head. ( You know you wore them.) Dad fumbled around with the bags for a moment and we made our way to sliding glass doors. This is where it gets really awful. I mean it's bad. I did something so terrible to my dad I can't believe he didn't just leave me right there in the parking lot of Home Depot. Right after we stepped into the parking lot I looked up at him with my adorable brown eyes, wiped my snotty little nose and started shouting ( no lie) " Stranger, Stranger I don't know this man". Can. You. Believe. That??? What was wrong with me?? Didn't I realize they could have hauled my dad off to jail?? Didn't I realize people could have jumped him in the parking lot to detain him for the police?? Didn't I realize he drove a VAN??? A VAN people! The signature child snatching car in powder blue!! My dad looked at me, and I think in that moment he realized I was a sinner after all. I think until that moment he thought I was an exception to the rule. He started dragging me to the van saying " Lori-Beth stop it! Stop it right now!" Did I stop as this man was dragging me to his VAN?? No no. I shouted more. "Stranger, help me!" Fortunately, the parking lot was a ghost town and my dad did get me in the van. When I got in the van I realized the gravity of my mistake. My dad is a kind and gentle man. it takes a lot to make him mad. I don't know if he was hurt more by my betrayal or  by the reality that i could have sent him to jail for the night to be cell mates with a guy named Butch, but he.was.livid. I received the mother of all spankings that afternoon in our Dodge Caravan. My dad and I are on good terms again. I think he has forgiven me. I really wanted those drawer pulls, ok?

Good story, right? Now we move on to the hard stuff. God has asked me, well told me really, to share some tough things with you. He wants me to share about the day I miscarried, and also to share a letter I wrote to our baby. I think writing a letter to our baby was one of the best things I ever did to help begin healing. When you miscarry, there is no funeral. No memorial. You have to mourn a life not yet lived and it's really hard to figure out how to do that. This helped me and I'd recommend it to you even if it's been years since you lost your child(ren).

I use to really love my birthday. In my family, we get a birth week and it's AWESOME! I'm pretty spoiled like that. I woke up on September 30, and I felt pretty good. I was turning 26, which isn't that cool of a birthday ( you know you're an adult when birthdays mean insurance rates go down and after that all you have to look forward to is your smarty pants friends throwing you over the hill themed b day parties) but I was pregnant and so excited. I went to work. On my way home I got an incredibly sharp pain in my stomach and back. I knew right then, something wasn't right. I was bleeding. A lot. It wasn't spotting. I felt sick. I called Kindal and he said to take another pregnancy test and I did and it said positive. I scoured the Internet.. "Some people bleed" I thought desperately. I tried to relax, but the pain was getting so much worse. Every time I went to the bathroom, it was evident something was really wrong. I didn't go to the Dr. I'm sure I should have, but I didn't want to. I sat on my bathroom floor and I begged God to stop this. I knew he could and I cried out to him. It got worse. I knew I was literally feeling my baby leave my body. I went to bed that night and I couldn't sleep. It was the worst physical and mental pain I have ever felt. I woke up in the morning and I took another test. It was negative. I stared at it. I willed it to change. Come back two little pink lines. It didn't change. I crawled into bed with Kindal and I said " she's gone". We both wept.

I did not know the sex of my baby, but in my heart I believe she was a girl. I wasn't far enough along to find out. I can not begin to describe my mental state that day. I was in shock. I was angry. I was devastated and I was numb all at the same time. Kindal's sister was staying with us that weekend and he needed to take her to do something, I have no idea what.. didn't really matter. I told him to go. I needed to be alone. I gathered up the few gifts we had been given, the positive pregnancy tests, the cards from well wishers and I put them in a box. I needed to bury my baby. I folded the onsies neatly, I put all of the cards in their appropriate envelopes. I went to our home office and sat down at the desk. I don't know why, I'm certain now it was God directing me, but I began to write to my little girl. I needed to tell her some things. As my pen began to stroke the paper, I began to cry, Then I began to sob, then I began to scream out. My deepest love poured on to that paper as I realized that this was real. It was over. You can't have her. I laid my head on our desk and my paper became soaked with tears. One year of "trying", hoping, praying, believing and here I sat... barren...broken...alone. We had told some of our friends, most of our family. We had looked at baby websites and shopped around imagining what our beautiful child would like to have. This was not some mass of tissue that just passed through me. This was my answered prayer, my deepest desire, my legacy.

Here is what I wrote.

Sweet Baby,
You could never know how much I wanted you. When I saw those two little lines on that pregnancy test and realized it meant " positive" I was over joyed. The time I spent knowing you were with me was absolute heaven. I know that to some people, you were just a tiny speck. you hadn't had a chance to laugh or smile or even cry, but to me you were already my cuddly baby, a laughing toddler, a kindergarten student on the first day of school, a nervous sixth grader, a high school senior, a bride...you were my first child and you always will be. It's so odd to miss someone you never actually met. I would have given anything to know you. I won't ever forget you- I know that sounds silly to some people, but my heart is so so broken. When I knew I was losing you, I begged God to change it. I begged him to let me have you. I don't know why it had to be this way. I can't say I understand, because I don't. I am thankful for the time I had with you. I wish it could have been so much more... a lifetime. I wish I could have held you, kissed your face, played games with you, read books to you, taught you how to read, laughed with you, felt your touch. I wish so many things. At first, I thought maybe it would have been better not to have even known you were there. After thinking about it, the joy you brought your daddy and I was worth the heartache. It was worth knowing you baby. I love you. I won't be afraid and I believe God will let me hold a baby and call it mine but know that I will think about you all the time and I will miss you. I hope you would have had your daddy's heart and his smile. I don't know how these things work, if some how God let's us hold the ones we've lost, if I'll see you in heaven... I really hope so.
Love,
Mommy


I told you it was hard stuff. I have not read that since I wrote it, I hope it helped you. I hope you identified. If It didn't then that's ok. I was told to share it, so I did. The worst part for me came weeks later. I began to feel like maybe God wasn't good. Maybe he didn't love me. After all, drug addicts were getting pregnant every day and teenage girls were getting TV shows because of how fertile they were. They were keeping their babies. The weren't losing them. What kind of God lets me miscarry a baby that we've been trying to conceive for a year on my birthday? I became really angry with God. I became hard. I did not believe he loved me and I did not believe he was good. That was really stupid. I told you in my last post, that grief takes you to dark places. It certainly did for me. For several months I was totally disconnected from the Father. I did not pray, I did not read the Word. I "led worship" because I had to, but I was totally checked out during every song. God doesn't love me. he hates me. He is angry with me and this is his wrath. I'm being as honest as I can be with you because I really do love you. All of you reading this. I think many women feel this, but admitting it is so very hard because it's ugly and it's shameful and it's so personal.

It's also wrong. Equating God's goodness to your circumstances in life is like equating how your food tastes to the weather outside. They have nothing to do with each other. God is good, not because of how my life plays out, but simply because HE IS GOOD. He says so in his Word and his word is perfect and he doesn't lie. He. Is. Good. His love for me is not shown in me getting exactly what I want, when I want it and how I want it. it is not shown to me by living a life without hurt or pain. It was shown to me 2,000 years ago at Calvary. Period. God did not punish me with a miscarriage. He did not turn his back on me. What he did was save me from my own selfishness and he gave me grace when I deserved wrath. The only thing unfair about my life is that he loves me at all. It took me along time to stop blaming God, to stop believing he hated me.

I really love Kim Walker's voice. She sings with Jesus Culture and I think she rocks. She has a version of How He Loves that God used to reveal his love to me all over again. I came across it on You Tube somehow and I don't know why, but I clicked it. She has a powerful voice. She just starts belting out " He loves us oh how he loves us" and in that moment God broke down every wall I had allowed the enemy to build up. " I do love you. I will use this. You are mine little girl. I can restore you, I can heal you. I can use you... and I will" I don't know if you have every physically felt the love of God, but I have. It made me weep, tears of undeniable joy this time. Yesterday, as I was praying about what to write today I kept thinking about that song. At the end, Kim starts singing " See the Father, behold the Father" ( yes, Kim Walker and I are on a first name basis, what of it?) and that's what I so desperately, so passionately want you to do. I want you to see the Father. I want you to know that he does love you, that he can heal you that he will use this for good for those who are called according to his purpose. I don't know what road you're on. I don't know if you've lost babies, if you're barren, if you're a lost soul... but you have to realize that God is good and he loves his children.

I am going to post a link to her version of How He Loves. Please click it. Please let it wash over you. Listen to the very end, all the way to my favorite part.

My prayer for you:
Jesus. You are so good. Even when I didn't believe it, you were still good and you still are. I lift up every reader tonight. I ask that you would heal them. I ask that you would bring them children however you so desire. I ask that you would overwhelm them with your love and your mercies that are new every morning. I ask that you would make your presence in their life known... that you would crush every wall, break every chain and in your own time, restore every dream. God, if there are those reading this that don't know you, reveal yourself to them. How can they be healed if they don't know the healer? How can they be restored if they don't know the one who brings restoration? How can they feel love until they know the one who loved us first? Show them that you are good.

See the Father, behold the Father

we press on,
LB