This post is from Kindal.I have known him for 16 years. I have memories of sitting down at Pizza Hut with his entire family ( one day they would be my family) after church. I remember the first time he ever held my hand. We were in 6th grade, I had on a plaid jumper ( hideous) and It was the first time a boy had ever shown me that kind of affection. I remember visiting him when they moved from Oklahoma and staying up all night talking in his living room, he never tried anything, we just talked. I remember the sound of his truck pulling in to my parents neighborhood when he would come to visit me as a teenage girl. I remember watching " My Best Friend's Wedding" and being terrified that that is what would happen to me. That I would tell him " I love you, pick me" too late and that some other girl would win the greatest man I've ever known. This is my Kindal, my husband, my very best friend.... this is his story.
As a man it is sometimes hard to show any type of emotion in
situations. As a Pastor it is very difficult to show vulnerability and talk
about the times when you have thoughts that are unbiblical or even sinful. I am going to attempt to do both of these. I do this for your Joy and the Glory of God.
The Joy
September 30 is a day that will never bring as much joy as
it used to. That is the day God brought
into the world the most beautiful woman I have ever known. LB’s birthday, for years, has been the culmination
of a week long celebration. This is
called “birth week” in my world. Last
year the excitement and joy of birth week was elevated by the fact that we were
finally going to have a child. I had
prayed for so long, we had worried, been frustrated, but finally I would be
able to hold my little girl. As the 30th
approached LB began to have pain, to show signs of miscarriage. I knew what was happening, but honestly I
almost ignored it. I tried to carry on
life as usual, to tell LB it wasn’t a problem, that our baby was fine. She wasn’t.
My longing to hear the patter of little feet on my wood floor was
slipping was becoming less and less likely.
The 30th
As I woke up on LB’s birthday I didn’t get up to make her
breakfast, I didn’t have a surprise present waiting, I didn’t have big
plans. No, all I could think about was
our baby. She woke up and I asked her to
take another pregnancy test……. Negative.
At that moment all the emotions of being livid with God, sorrow for the
loss of my child, and feeling helpless to do anything for this woman who had
given me her life, left me broken and frustrated.
LB
Lori Beth is literally the love of my life. I have loved her since I was 9 years
old. That love has only grown. She was my best friend, a girl friend at
times, and the one who helped me through my parents divorce. I know husbands love their wives, but my love
for LB goes much deeper than most. God broke LB’s will to live for herself and
saved her. Living in close quarters with
a “New Creation” will make the Gospel come alive. She always has been caring, compassionate,
and loving; but the Holy Spirit has exploded these attributes to further the
glory of God in my life. I have never
met a woman as strong as she is. She
never sits down, she never stops working, she is driven like nobody I
know. Perhaps her most amazing life
accomplishment is putting up with me on a daily basis. She is my rock. Ministry is hard. Being a pastor is taxing, my wife holds me
up. At times the Holy Spirit has spoken
directly to me through her. She is wise,
comforting, and strong. But last
September, she was broken.
Stupid Man
At the beginning I told you there would be some thoughts
that are hard to share. I am going to
attempt this. Seeing my beautiful bride
broken, made me look to the sky and ask “Are you kidding me God? We serve you, we love you, we disciple your
people, and all we ask for is a baby.
How could you let this happen.
Why did you not hear our cries to stop the miscarriage. How could you bring this pain into our lives.
HOW DARE YOU!” And then I disconnected
from Him. I decided that if he didn’t
care about my wife and her sorrow, then I would have to do it on my own. STUPID MAN.
I am terrible with emotions. I don’t
share them, don’t talk about them, and pretty much ignore them. Instead of pointing LB to Jesus and his
comfort, I allowed her to feel alone for a long time. She didn’t see me grieve, because I would cry
out all my tears on my drive to and from work, so that I could be her
rock. Truth is, I cant be her rock. Only Jesus can. My soul was broken, hurting,
grieving, and I was ignoring it. Finally one night God broke me, I asked LB to
kneel in front of me. I placed my hands
on her a cried out to a Holy God to bring restoration to our souls. This was the first time my wife saw my sorrow
on display. I believe that event
triggered the beginning of her healing.
Some thoughts for the readers (this is the Pastor in me,
deal with it :))
To all the women reading:
Your husband desperately desires your happiness. I fought long and hard with God on why he
would allow such pain to come to my beautiful bride. It was weeks before I even really let myself
grieve. Ladies, your man is wired to FIX
PROBLEMS. That is how we are made. You must help him understand, he cant fix
this one. He may seem cold or
detached. He may become angry easily. He might even show some frustration with your
sorrow. Allow him to grieve how he
grieves.
To all the men reading:
Your wife is experiencing ALL of the physical connection and
loss of your child. Be her rock,
shelter, comfort. Above all of those
things, continually point her to Jesus.
Men, let yourself grieve. Let
your wife know you are hurting with her.
As the spiritual leader of your house, bare her burdens and pray over
her. YOU CANNOT FIX THIS ONE. Your wife
will hurt longer than you do. Women are
more emotional by nature. Always be
understanding of her sorrow. Allow her
to grieve how she grieves.
Pressing on (my view)
Every night since then after she has gone to sleep, I lay my
hands on her stomach and pray for God to give us a child biologically. Then I hold her hand and pray for God to lead
us as one through fulfilling the calling to adopt. Lastly, I lay my hands on her head and pray
God would anoint her to be a Godly mother to our child(ren). (I guess she will know I do this now).
My little girl is gone.
I hope one day I will get to meet her (if that is how it works). But now we must press on. God has called us to adopt. Adoption is one of the more graphic and
beautiful pictures of the Gospel in scripture.
We now will have the ability to seek out, bring home, and love a child who maybe
doesn’t even see it coming. We get to
CHOOSE to love a child who is not deserving of our love, simply because they
are ours biologically. OH, but we will
love and cherish our child. I already
pray for him/her. God does this with us.
He seeks us, brings us home, and loves us even though we aren’t deserving. One day I will hear the patter of tiny feet
on my wood floor, my child will climb into my lap and ask me why I am his/her
daddy. I cant wait to hold my child and
read the first chapter of Ephesians to him/her.
The Adoption metaphor will really make a lot of sense.
I asked God why, even to the point of anger. We must be reminded that God is sovereign, he
loves his children. Look at the ministry
he has provided LB through the pain. In
Romans 8 we read that in our weakest most painful hour, when we don’t even have
the words to say, the Holy Spirit is at the feet of the Father interceding on
our behalf. Sometimes the glory of God
can be a painful process for us. It grew
me, it made me love my Lori Beth even more.
And so as my wife says with grieving the loss of our baby, dealing with
the adoption process, and trying to minister to those of you doing the same….
We press on.
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