the view from the throne

Today is my birthday. I am another year older, wiser (hopefully) and I am certainly stronger. I have been dreading this day all year. I have felt at times, that maybe my fear of this day made me weak. That maybe you would be disappointed in me if you knew how scared I was on September 29. I was unsure of how I would feel today. I was afraid that all the hurt, sorrow as emptiness would come rushing back and I would be a fraud to you. I write constantly about the healing that has taken place in my life and it is a fact that I have been healed. Healing, however, is a process. When you fall down ad scrape your knee, I mean really bang it up good, the wound heals in stages. It starts out really ugly. It's bloody and raw and it stings and aches. It's a constant reminder of the trauma you've suffered. Time passes and you see new skin, pink and healthy and there is hope. You're being made new. Finally, the wound closes and you're left with a scar. You're healed, no longer bleeding, no longer feeling the constant ache, but every now and then you look down and you remember what you've been through, what you have survived. You're healed, but you're not exactly the same. That's how I feel today. I am reminded today of a dark time. A time when I thought I'd never see " pink skin" underneath the ugly. I remember the loss, I remember the sting but more importantly, I remember the healing and ultimately the healer who brought it. Looking back on this year I have seen God do incredible things. I have heard his voice. I have felt his touch. I have experienced his goodness and I have been satisfied simply because he is exactly who he says he is. I don't fly often, but a few months ago I took a flight from Dallas to Tulsa. It's a quick flight. You've just buckled your seat belt and then you land. As we pulled off the runway, I saw the city of Dallas slowly disappear beneath me. The buildings that we look at and say " that's huge" became nothing but specks. The things that we've spent millions of dollars on soon reveal themselves for what they really are, nothing in contrast with what God has created. Tiny. Insignificant. Humble. The things that we look at and say " that's really something" look like children's play toys once you get up above them. God's perspective is much the same. He sees the big picture. He looks at what we've made, what we consider the " biggest and the best" and I can't help but wonder if he shakes his head as he overlooks the vastness of his own creation in comparison to the few things we have fashioned together. I have questioned the Father intensely over the loss of our child. I told him he couldn't use it for good. I didn't see what he saw. I couldn't see the view from the throne . He saw my turmoil and knew that it would be used to glorify him. He's still writing my story. He's not finished yet. To my baby girl. I miss you more today than I ever have. I wish you could have been there last night at my party. I wish I could have woken up to your cooing today, but I believe you know my Father very well. You've been sitting in his lap this whole time. We love you, we miss you..... We press on..... LB

mourning into dancing

It's an odd thing to have a heavy heart and a heart full of joy all at the same time. That sentence doesn't make sense and I know it. Let me explain. Since  starting this Blog, my life has changed. I get countless e mails daily from women who are hurting, mourning, struggling and desperate to " make sense" of what has happened to them. This isn't how they pictured it. They all describe the same perfect little  "white picket fence"scenario to me. " I thought we'd start trying and have babies just like that." " I thought I'd be a mom by 25....by 27....by 30.... by 35" " I've tried every trick, every tip, I've tried everything." "I thought I'd be done having children by this point in my life, not still trying to have my first." The white picket fence begins to chip and fade.... the plans we made for our life begin to reveal a terrible flaw... it was never really about OUR plans. It was never really in our control. That's the beautiful and frustrating thing about creating life, it's intricate, it's detailed, and it's rare my friends. People sleep together every day and yet every encounter does not result in life. Conception requires the right timing, it requires a multitude of things to " go right" and it doesn' allow much time for things to fall into place. Even after conception, there is no guarantee. Being knit together in your mother's womb, woven and spun into a living, breathing human being is no easy task. When I went to my Dr after I lost the baby, she informed me that roughly 30 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and that that number does not include eggs that have been fertilized but fail to implant. Some studies show that 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I was shocked. How could I not know this? I couldn't think of anyone I knew who had lost a baby.... that would change. The burden of this blog and the blessing all in the same breath is that I get to hear your stories. I am honored, humbled and quite frankly in awe of the fact that God allows me to do that... that he allows me to listen to you, pray for you and minister to you. I could not think of a more unworthy woman, yet here I am, being used, and it is more than I ever hoped for. Each story of loss challenges me. It encourages me to " keep pressing on", to stay in the Word, to be humble and open and honest. Each story tests me because I have to run to the Father and say " what about this sister? She's hurting, she needs you. Restore her, renew her, reveal your goodness to her." I have to continually put down the  question " why?" and instead pick up the question " how". " How will you use this Lord?" because I know that He will. I am living proof. Your stories make my heart heavy, but I am glad to carry them with you. Your stories also bring me immense joy. I met a woman at work yesterday who casually mentioned she was pregnant with her second child. We got to talking and she explained the the birth of her first daughter was a miracle, long suffered and that the journey was paved with loss. She miscarried multiple times before having her first healthy child. She and her husband have been trying for 5 years to have another baby and they had really given up. She started feeling sick, tired, moody.... could it be? Her 7 year old daughter will be a big sister at last. Be in prayer for her. Once you've lost a child, the joy of pregnancy is always tainted by the fear of loss. We know that God did not give us a spirit of fear. She knows that too and she faithfully trusts God no matter the outcome. I'm believing I'll be cuddling her new baby in a few short months. Every day God introduces me to women who prayed, just like Hannah in the Bible, for a child, and in His own timing, he delivered. (They delivered too, see what I did there? Clever, clever girl.)  Every day I read emails and messages that confirm two things. 1. Women need to know that they are not alone in this. They need to know that there is a God who knows their hurts and cares for them and that when he tells them to cast ALL their cares on Him, he means it. 2. God is faithfully fulfilling his promises to his children EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  It may not be when you wanted it, how you imagined it or even as easy as you thought it would be, but He is faithful. He is so many things to me. He is my Father, my defender, my creator, my deliverer, my Hosanna, my King and in the last year he has most certainly been my source of  comfort and ever present help in times of trouble.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Psalm. The book of Psalm was written mostly by King David. I love David because he is a hot mess and royally ( pun intended, see what I did there?) screwed up and yet God still calls him " a man after his own heart". David lusted, committed adultery, committed murder and still he is a central character of the Bible and was used mightily by
God. That shouldn't bother you, by the way, that God used David. God makes it habit to use people that are completely under qualified, unworthy and even at times unlikeable. That's good news for you and for me... and for mankind in general. Psalm 34:17-22 is a passage of scripture that speaks to me deeply. It's really beautiful and perfectly describes the "nearness" of the Father to his children.

17. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears them and delivers them out of all of their troubles. ( if you can get past " the Lord hears them" with out being in awe of the fact that the sovereign, most holy God is listening to us ... well, I don't know how to help you, AND THEN IT GETS REALLY GOOD... he delivers them out of all.... ALL... of their troubles.)

18. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and he saves the crushed in spirit. ( This is beautiful and speaks for itself. The crushed in spirit. There is no better description for how I felt on 9/30/2011. Crushed.)

Skipping to V. 20 He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken ( how can you be crushed but not one bone broken? Meet my Father, you'll see)
V.22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants: non who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Psalm 30:2-7

V. 2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you have healed me
V. 3 .... you restored me to life
V.5.... weeping may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.
V. 7. By your favor O Lord, you made mountains stand strong

I love V. 7. " you made mountains stand strong"... I'm glad my life is in the hands of the one who makes the mountains stand.... that's legit.


Psalm 30:11-12

V.11 You have turned my mourning into dancing.
Dancing is just about the most joyful expression of freedom I can think of. I imagine little kids, completely uninhibited, just dancing and laughing and I think that that is exactly what David had in mind too. The jump from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. The total freedom and joy in any circumstance brought only from the Father. Taking you from weeping, to just jumping and dancing with joy. V. 12 that my glory may sing YOUR praise and not be silent. I will give thanks to you forever.

Today's post is for the broken hearted. The one who can't see beyond the immense pain, the one who can not see any good in this, the one who is crushed in spirit.  It's for the one who aches for a child, the one who has cried too many tears to count. It's for the one who thinks they'll never dance again. You will.... he'll turn your mourning into dancing... it's just what He does.

We press on,
LB

at the feet of the Father

A baby was born today. My sweet friend had her little girl. Giving birth is a brutal process. I haven't done it, but I've seen the video. It is a battlefield. It leaves behind stretch marks and scars and it pushes a woman to her limits... and then it's over and every stretch mark becomes a badge of honor and all the pain becomes a distant memory over shadowed by the joy of knowing this tiny person. I felt pressed to write something today, I wasn't planning on it. I was running this morning and thinking about giving birth and wondering if I will ever experience that... and the thought crossed my mind of a mother about to give up her child for adoption. I think that many times, when we think of a woman giving up her baby we think that perhaps she is relieved because she doesn't want it. She's a drug addict who can't wait to be rid of it so she can get her next fix, she's a teen mom who is anxious to get back to her care free life of parties and prom dates, she's on welfare and already has more than she can handle.... some of these may be right. They may have addictions, they may be too young, or too poor or too broken... but they are still mothers. This morning I am in prayer for the biological mother of my child. I can't imagine giving birth knowing that the joy at the end, the entire purpose of the pain, will not be mine. I don't care what you have done in your life, how "bad" you've been, how careless you were, giving up your child to someone who can better care for it, to someone who has been longing, praying, desperately seeking motherhood, is the most beautiful act I can think of. A selfless gift.... an example of love only a mother could understand. I don't know who you are. I don't know your story or even your name, but I am praying for you. I am constantly at the feet of the Father for you. I love you, I really do. I promise I will always let my children know that it wasn't an act of desertion, but an incredible act of love that brought them to me. I promise they will know that you love them. I'm sure you always will. You'll think of them often and I won't pretend like you don't exist. How could I? I'll be their mother, I'll foster their lives....  and be thankful you gave them life. You won't be disappointed.... I will be good to them.

To all my readers "trying"..... I love you. Keep fighting, keep praying and know that He is good, He is for you and He is with you. I can not wait to meet your children, to see your growing baby bumps, to hear about their births, to see their smiling faces and remember the hard fought battles that brought them here. They are your legacy, a gift from a God who adores his children.

We Press On,
LB

Secret Prayers

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 This post is from Kindal.I have known him for 16 years. I have memories of sitting down at Pizza Hut with his entire family ( one day they would be my family) after church. I remember the first time he ever held my hand. We were in 6th grade, I had on a plaid jumper ( hideous) and It was the first time a boy had ever shown me that kind of affection. I remember visiting him when they moved from Oklahoma and staying up all night talking in his living room, he never tried anything, we just talked. I remember the sound of his truck pulling in to my parents neighborhood when he would come to visit me as a teenage girl. I remember watching " My Best Friend's Wedding" and being terrified that that is what would happen to me. That I would tell him " I love you, pick me" too late and that some other girl would win the greatest man I've ever known. This is my Kindal, my husband, my very best friend.... this is his story.

As a man it is sometimes hard to show any type of emotion in situations. As a Pastor it is very difficult to show vulnerability and talk about the times when you have thoughts that are unbiblical or even sinful.  I am going to attempt to do both of these.  I do this for your Joy and the Glory of God.

The Joy

September 30 is a day that will never bring as much joy as it used to.  That is the day God brought into the world the most beautiful woman I have ever known.  LB’s birthday, for years, has been the culmination of a week long celebration.  This is called “birth week” in my world.  Last year the excitement and joy of birth week was elevated by the fact that we were finally going to have a child.  I had prayed for so long, we had worried, been frustrated, but finally I would be able to hold my little girl.  As the 30^th approached LB began to have pain, to show signs of miscarriage.  I knew what was happening, but honestly I almost ignored it.  I tried to carry on life as usual, to tell LB it wasn’t a problem, that our baby was fine.  She wasn’t.  My longing to hear the patter of little feet on my wood floor was slipping was becoming less and less likely. 

The 30^th

As I woke up on LB’s birthday I didn’t get up to make her breakfast, I didn’t have a surprise present waiting, I didn’t have big plans.  No, all I could think about was our baby.  She woke up and I asked her to take another pregnancy test……. Negative.  At that moment all the emotions of being livid with God, sorrow for the loss of my child, and feeling helpless to do anything for this woman who had given me her life, left me broken and frustrated.

LB

Lori Beth is literally the love of my life.  I have loved her since I was 9 years old.  That love has only grown.  She was my best friend, a girl friend at times, and the one who helped me through my parents divorce.  I know husbands love their wives, but my love for LB goes much deeper than most.  God broke LB’s will to live for herself and saved her.  Living in close quarters with a “New Creation” will make the Gospel come alive.  She always has been caring, compassionate, and loving; but the Holy Spirit has exploded these attributes to further the glory of God in my life.  I have never met a woman as strong as she is.  She never sits down, she never stops working, she is driven like nobody I know.  Perhaps her most amazing life accomplishment is putting up with me on a daily basis.  She is my rock.  Ministry is hard.  Being a pastor is taxing, my wife holds me up.  At times the Holy Spirit has spoken directly to me through her.  She is wise, comforting, and strong.  But last September, she was broken.

Stupid Man

At the beginning I told you there would be some thoughts that are hard to share.  I am going to attempt this.  Seeing my beautiful bride broken, made me look to the sky and ask “Are you kidding me God?  We serve you, we love you, we disciple your people, and all we ask for is a baby.  How could you let this happen.  Why did you not hear our cries to stop the miscarriage.  How could you bring this pain into our lives. HOW DARE YOU!”  And then I disconnected from Him.  I decided that if he didn’t care about my wife and her sorrow, then I would have to do it on my own.  STUPID MAN.  I am terrible with emotions.  I don’t share them, don’t talk about them, and pretty much ignore them.  Instead of pointing LB to Jesus and his comfort, I allowed her to feel alone for a long time.  She didn’t see me grieve, because I would cry out all my tears on my drive to and from work, so that I could be her rock.  Truth is, I cant be her rock.  Only Jesus can. My soul was broken, hurting, grieving, and I was ignoring it. Finally one night God broke me, I asked LB to kneel in front of me.  I placed my hands on her a cried out to a Holy God to bring restoration to our souls.  This was the first time my wife saw my sorrow on display.  I believe that event triggered the beginning of her healing. 

Some thoughts for the readers (this is the Pastor in me, deal with it :))

To all the women reading:

Your husband desperately desires your happiness.  I fought long and hard with God on why he would allow such pain to come to my beautiful bride.  It was weeks before I even really let myself grieve.  Ladies, your man is wired to FIX PROBLEMS.  That is how we are made.  You must help him understand, he cant fix this one.  He may seem cold or detached.  He may become angry easily.  He might even show some frustration with your sorrow.  Allow him to grieve how he grieves.

To all the men reading:

Your wife is experiencing ALL of the physical connection and loss of your child.  Be her rock, shelter, comfort.  Above all of those things, continually point her to Jesus.  Men, let yourself grieve.  Let your wife know you are hurting with her.  As the spiritual leader of your house, bare her burdens and pray over her.  YOU CANNOT FIX THIS ONE. Your wife will hurt longer than you do.  Women are more emotional by nature.  Always be understanding of her sorrow.  Allow her to grieve how she grieves.

Pressing on (my view)

Every night since then after she has gone to sleep, I lay my hands on her stomach and pray for God to give us a child biologically.  Then I hold her hand and pray for God to lead us as one through fulfilling the calling to adopt.  Lastly, I lay my hands on her head and pray God would anoint her to be a Godly mother to our child(ren).  (I guess she will know I do this now).

My little girl is gone.  I hope one day I will get to meet her (if that is how it works).  But now we must press on.  God has called us to adopt.  Adoption is one of the more graphic and beautiful pictures of the Gospel in scripture.  We now will have the ability to seek out,  bring home, and love a child who maybe doesn’t even see it coming.  We get to CHOOSE to love a child who is not deserving of our love, simply because they are ours biologically.  OH, but we will love and cherish our child.  I already pray for him/her.  God does this with us. He seeks us, brings us home, and loves us even though we aren’t deserving.  One day I will hear the patter of tiny feet on my wood floor, my child will climb into my lap and ask me why I am his/her daddy.  I cant wait to hold my child and read the first chapter of Ephesians to him/her.  The Adoption metaphor will really make a lot of sense. 

I asked God why, even to the point of anger.  We must be reminded that God is sovereign, he loves his children.  Look at the ministry he has provided LB through the pain.  In Romans 8 we read that in our weakest most painful hour, when we don’t even have the words to say, the Holy Spirit is at the feet of the Father interceding on our behalf.  Sometimes the glory of God can be a painful process for us.  It grew me, it made me love my Lori Beth even more.  And so as my wife says with grieving the loss of our baby, dealing with the adoption process, and trying to minister to those of you doing the same…. We press on.

Fill it well

1 Samuel 1:20
And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the LORD.”

I asked my friend Tristan to share some of her heart today. She and Josh are in the process of adopting through the Cherokee Nation.  You can get more info about adopting through the Nation by e mailing home4kids@cherokee.org. You or your spouse will need to be a registered tribe member to consider this process. Enough with the business talk... here is what Tristan ( and Josh) shared.

As I sit here trying to figure out what to share, the difficulty doesn’t come from a lack of material, but from an abundance. Lori Beth has shared so much that resonates with me: the emotion struggle of infertility and loss. The loss I know is different, but I can identify with the sorrow felt at the loss of a future for a precious baby. I had a great privilege to watch Gideon a beautiful blue-eyed boy from six weeks to three months when he went to spend his days in heaven. I had pictured so much for him, he wasn’t my flesh and blood, but I loved him. Honestly, my love for him helps me to see that I could love deeply a child that didn’t share my DNA. I continue to miss him daily, he left an imprint that will never lift from me, and I am glad for the time I knew him.

                  Both our inability to have babies and seeing a baby you love pass took me to places of deep sorrow. I heard a quote in the midst of all our struggles that I held tight to, “there are some days that are only experienced on the other side of sorrow.”  This has definitely been true in our story. It has led me to a deeper truth that we are more broken that that we could imagine and more loved that we could have hoped. I had to let go of t what I thought our story would be and remember the Author and Perfecter of our story.

                  We have traveled seas of sorry to come to the place we are now, we haven’t quite reached that joyful shore but it is on the horizon. This is our story that oh so hoped for horizon:

                  As a little girl I longed to grow up and be a momma. It is all I could truly give as an answer to “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Every other answer was always an until…

                  So, when I met Josh, and we began to share our hopes, I was overjoyed to hear it was a deep desire for him to be a father. But not only that, he hoped his wife would be able to stay home with their babies. This was always my hope. I once heard it said not to say always because it isn’t always true, but I really think it is here.  I cannot remember a time when it wasn’t. We talked about family before we ever talked about marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I knew he was the fella’ I would spend my life with from the get’ go. 

                  We got married at the rip old’ age of 20. Josh was still in school to become a teacher. We knew our hopes of me staying home would need to wait. From the moment I knew he was the man I would marry, I couldn’t wait to have a family with him. We waited three (pain-staking long) years to begin, or try to begin. I had foolishly thought it would be easy.

                  It is hard to sum up all the places it took me; fear, bitterness, defeat, brokenness, heartache and sorrow were merely a few of the places I stopped on the journey.

                  Josh was there steady and strong through it all. I knew his heart was breaking too, but over and over he washed me with the Gospel. He relentlessly reminded me who God was, and who was actually writing our story. Short and simple, it wasn’t us, and to think we could do it better was not only foolish, it was wanting to be God himself.  He was unyielding in the truth, and at times, I just wanted him to wallow with me. I can say now that I am glad he didn’t. I am grateful he knew when to hold me as I cried, but also when I needed a good ol’ kick in the tush (not literally), which, oddly both seemed to come about every 28 days as I mourned that fact that once again there would be a baby in nine months. I wanted often those times to believe the lie that God wasn’t good, or that he didn’t get it right this time. I fretted he wouldn’t and wanted to fell at time. Josh held my hand through the deepest hurts and led me back to God, and reminded His thoughts are higher than ours.

                  We now feel closer to the shore. I can taste and see the Lord is God. How beautiful our story is, how it isn’t less or more, but perfectly ours.  We had been trying for two years before we begin down the path for adoption. It was as long as we needed for us to really see what a beautiful story it is, how the Gospel shines in it.

                  At two and half years, we met our babies. They aren’t legally ours, but I pray they will be someday. I trust our Author and am confident in the beautiful end to this story. Until we step on that shore, I will trust His goodness and rest knowing I am His child. 

Thank you Triz! :) I love hearing other people's stories. I love how gracious the Father is by allowing us to walk together through this. I cried tears of joy when Tristan and Josh got the call that they were getting not one child, but TWO!! I remember the first time Kindal met your little boy. He said that he waved Kindal over and said " That a tiger?" Pointing to Kindal's shirt. ( I'm hoping it was his BA Tiger's football shirt and not a Fort Gibson T... High School Hang on anyone? JK...sort of) Kindal replied, " Yep buddy." He pointed to Josh and said " That my Daddy?" ( I started crying as he relayed this part...#hotmess) "Yep buddy, he is." The boy smiled and then said " That a doughnut?" Pointing to the white box of deliciousness on the counter. Kindal chuckled. " Right again, yes." This is where your son's strategy shows. " I have one?" He asked beaming. The answers had all been "yes" up to that point lol he couldn't lose! The last thing I'll say is that when I read the part about Josh speaking the Gospel over you and you wishing he would wallow... I totally get that, lived that, understand that. Kindal was a tower of truth that sometimes I wanted to plow over with a bulldozer. He constantly said that "God would use this for his glory." I would get so angry at him. I mistook his truth for lack of emotion and I missed a message of hope sent by the Father. He IS the author of all things. He makes no mistakes and he WILL be glorified.  What's funny is that your children were already on this earth every night that you begged the Father to give you a baby. Your prayers were already answered before you even asked. He had already fulfilled your deepest desires, upheld a promise, restored all your hurts....and now you see them. You hear their laughter, smell their skin, watch them sleep and you know that YOU are their momma. God wrote the story, beginning to end and he cast every "character". He has given you your role, fill it well sister, fill it well. 

We Press On,

LB

Job 38

I thought maybe the rapture was going to happen today, because Kindal randomly decided to get up and run a 5k this morning and the Bible says that the end of days will be " strange times". That's pretty strange my friends. He never runs... never. In all seriousness, he has decided to run the the Race for the Cure with me on Saturday in honor of my mom who is a survivor. He says he is going to run all week to prepare, it's Olympic training at my house this week. I think that's pretty cool and I'm not as mad he wouldn't dance with me this weekend at my friend Lacey's wedding. ( See Facebook for photos of the events that took place at his "NO DANCE 2012" festival).


I only blog when God gives me my next post. He and I have been going through the book of Job. Have you read it? It's awful. Can I say that? Well, I said it. Job is a book I use to avoid. 1. Because it's suuuuppppeeerrr long. 2. Because I don't like it. 3. Because it makes me mad and 4. Because I was too caught up in my flesh to see the beauty of this story.

Background on Job
Job was from the land of Uz, not to be confused with OZ, no twista's and slippers in this story. The Bible describes him as blameless and upright which means he was pretty awesome.  He was wealthy and blessed with many children. V. 7 of Chapter 1 tells us that Satan came to see the Father and God asked him where he had been? Satan replied " From going to and fro on the earth..." This is where the plot really thickens. The Father asks Satan, " Have you considered my servant Job? There is none like him on earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil?" You know you're living right when God Almighty uses you as an example of what is right with humanity. Just sayin. Then Satan has to get all snarky, " Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge of protection around him and his house and all that he has on every side?" (v.10) But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has and he will curse your face." ( v.11) Couple things. First of all, don't let the phrase " hedge of protection" just go in one ear and out the other. Think about that. I mean really think about it. The creator of the universe, the one who spun the stars and formed the land and the sea, thought enough of Job to not only keep his eye on him, or just check in on him, but to put a hedge of protection around him. Job was still just a man, unworthy of that kind of affection, but the Father saw fit to protect him and all that he had. Secondly, notice that Satan is very aware of that hedge. He insults God by saying, " Does he fear you for no reason?" He's basically saying, " He loves you only because you spoil him, because you have given him so much good. Let me give him some of what I have, let me bring destruction and not only will he stop loving you, praising you, trusting you... he will spit in your face." And so God agrees that Satan may have authority over his possessions but not his life. I really struggled with that. Why did God do that? Why didn't he just tell Satan to take a hike and keep Job in his happy little existence with his happy little hedge? Job handles the first round of attacks very well. He looses all of his livestock ( his income) his home and his servants and children. His response is truly beautiful. He states in v. 21 " Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I shall return. the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Stop. Read that again. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." This was a man who had EVERYTHING taken from him. One moment he was enjoying a great life, spending time with his family and by all accounts honoring the Father, and in a moment... gone. He did not react the way I would have, because you know that in one of my previous posts I wrote that I use to associate God's goodness with what was happening in my life, I would have been hacked. I would have thrown a fit, I would have, dare I say, spit in his face. My biggest fear is that Satan would have looked at the Father, Cheshire grin and just said " I told you so" as I lashed out at him, as I cursed his name. That brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Job's story is long. He endures much, much more. His wife begs him to curse the Lord and die. There are chapters, yes plural, chapters of conversations he has with friends telling him what a fool he is for still praising God. He is truly a man alone.

If you ever need to be put in your place, by all means read Job 38. It is the spiritual spanking we all sometimes need. It should humble you. Job 38 changed my life. It rocked my perspective of what i deserve, what others deserve and what God has authority over. ( everything, would be the answer to the last question, just FYI). After I lost the baby, I became the official judge of who was worthy to have children and who was not. I was constantly judging, constantly questioning why people were pregnant, why crack addicts have babies, why teenage girls have babies, why people who weren't trying have babies? You see, I guess I felt really entitled to having a child. I looked at women in the mall, children screaming, dirty and disobedient and I thought " Good call on that one God. Thanks for giving her six kids." I imagined my children, pristine and well behaved. They would never act out or behave like that, because I was worthy of motherhood and she was not. I'm sure some of you have though that. You've seen a mother so unconcerned with her children that it's disgusting, watched as a woman pregnant with another can barely control what she has and you just think "God, clearly your judgment is off. " In the past few months, God has become more real in my life then I realized was possible. I have not heard his voice audibly, but I have heard his voice. I was thinking about all the people unworthy of having children as I sat on my bed, mad because another month had come and gone and we still weren't pregnant and God made himself known to me. It wasn't pretty. " Who do you think you are, little girl? That you decide who is worthy to become a mother? That you decide when, where how and why I further their families. That YOU decide who is unworthy and who is worthy of anything is laughable. Who do you think you are?" Jump to Job 38

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
³ Dress for action^[a] like a man;
    I will question you, and you make it known to me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
    Tell me, if you have understanding.
⁵ Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
    Or who stretched the line upon it?
⁶ On what were its bases sunk,
    or who laid its cornerstone,
⁷ when the morning stars sang together
    and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

⁸ “Or who shut in the sea with doors
    when it burst out from the womb,
⁹ when I made clouds its garment
    and thick darkness its swaddling band,
¹⁰ and prescribed limits for it
    and set bars and doors,
¹¹ and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
    and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?

“Have you commanded the morning since your days began,
    and caused the dawn to know its place,
¹³ that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth,
    and the wicked be shaken out of it?
¹⁴ It is changed like clay under the seal,
    and its features stand out like a garment.
¹⁵ From the wicked their light is withheld,
    and their uplifted arm is broken.

¹⁶ “Have you entered into the springs of the sea,
    or walked in the recesses of the deep?
¹⁷ Have the gates of death been revealed to you,
    or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?
¹⁸ Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
    Declare, if you know all this.

I'll stop there, but it continues on for quite a while. I think back on all the times I deemed myself better than a woman I decided was unworthy. I think back on all the times I have told the Father, the one set limits for the sea, that he didn't know what he was doing in my life, and I am amazed at his patience with me. The bottom line is, that wherever you are at in this journey, whether you've never been able to get pregnant, lost children, you're at a standstill in the adoption process, know two things. Number one: If you're constantly judging others who have children or who get pregnant, who do you think you are? I understand that there are people in this world who do not parent well and maybe they are unfit and maybe you will adopt one of their children, but to question their worth is to assume that your worth is higher. The only difference between you and a lost soul is Jesus Christ. That's it. Pray for them when you see them in the mall, pray for them when you see them at the park, pray for your own turn at motherhood because I trust in faith that it WILL come.  Number two: Make sure that you are doing well with what God has already given you. Are you begging him for more, yet you treat your husband like he doesn't exist because all you want from him is a baby? When was the last time you had sex with him just because you love him and not because your ovulation timer says to. When was the last time you asked him on a date, wrote him a note, prayed over him? If you have children but want more, are you honoring the ones you already have? Do they know that they are enough? That if you never have another, they are enough?  Who do you think you are, my friends? My prayer is that you are a son or daughter of the King. Don't be like me. Act like it.

We Press On,

LB

PS at the end of the story, Job gets everything he lost back 10 fold.... take that Satan

Labor Pains

I have been blessed with some pretty fantastic friends. I really do hang out with some of the wisest guys and gals around. I told you that I would share the " behind the name" meaning with you and the truth is that " we press on" came from a text message conversation with a very precious friend. Kindal and I had begun researching adoption agencies, and we thought we had found " the one". We filled out the application and were ready to send in the processing fee... that's when we came across the " total cost section". It was shocking. We had a general idea of what a domestic adoption costs and our general idea was clearly way, way off. We were surprised to learn that this agency expects you to pay for the medical care of the birth mother if she doesn't have insurance pushing the total cost potential to 50,000 dollars. I really do want a child, but at this point, 50k is just not something we can do. Just add it to the "isn't infertility ironic" list? It cost zero dollars to get pregnant for the average person and it costs thousands of dollars to adopt. People desperate for children struggle to find the means while some people who don't even want to be pregnant conceive. I text my friend and asked for prayer and guidance. I was really at a loss. I didn't know where to turn. Finding adoption information is overwhelming, it's expensive and you hear horror stories of birth parents changing their minds and leaving you right where you started, childless and heart broken. God spoke to me in a moment of mental break down. I was throwing a fit ( I do that a lot with him, It's a charming quality of mine) and calling for the end of the world. " This is NEVER going to work. We'll NEVER have the finances, I'll NEVER be a mom!" Dramatic teenage girl extremism at it's best! God painted a picture so vividly in my mind that it became the catalyst for this blog. He showed me a woman in labor. Sweat pouring from her brow, face red, tired, hurting and anxious to meet her child. "This part of the journey is simply your labor pains. You will work, sweat, cry, and anxiously await your child. You can't force it, you can't stop it and you can't avoid it. You must press on daughter, because I have something for you on the other side of it. I have something worth sweating through, worth crying over, worth fighting for and worth all the waiting and suffering through. You MUST press on." In that moment, it became clear, that the challenges Kindal and I face, the road blocks we'll move, the heartache we've endured for two years... they are all just labor pains. You can't stop them, you can't quit and go home, you have to press on to the end, and in the end, they are all forgotten when you hear your child's voice. I shared with my friend that " These are just labor pains. If I was in labor I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't quit, I'd press on." She responded " I'd be there cheering you on then and so I am now. WE press on." And there it is... WE PRESS ON MINISTRY was born. I gave in to God's call to write this, to pour out my heart, to find answers and help for women and men that are looking for them, and maybe even some that weren't looking at all. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to share your experiences. The good the bad and the ugly ( cue western music). I have another sweet friend who is days away from giving birth. She's having a precious little girl and I am so happy for her. I mean that by the way, that's not pageant girl talk, I am genuinely happy for people who are pregnant, I don't hate you because you're knocked up ( be on the look out for that blog post, catchy, right).  She spoke wisdom in my life one night when I told her that I didn't wnt people feeling sorry for me. I didn't want people looking at me with pity like I was " Lucky the three legged dog." Infertility can make you feel so incapable, so " not normal", so unworthy, and when you know people are worried to tell you that they are pregnant, well it just sucks. It steals joy from a joyful situation. Anyway, she simply said " It's not pity. We just want to bear your burdens with you." I love that and it it so very true. You need to share your struggles with someone. You need to let someone bear your burdens with you, it can't be just you and your spouse in this. You need to let someone minister to you. God uses our hurts to foster some amazing ministry opportunities. There is someone in your life who has walked this road before you. They want to minister to someone ( even if they don't know it yet) God has equipped them to do so, don't rob them of that. 

One more wise thought from my incredibly wise friends.... ( seriously, they are the BEST!) I was sulking ( I am so embarrassed when I read these posts and see how much of a little brat I am LOL) because yet another person I knew became pregnant( I said I don't hate you because you're knocked up, I didn't say I wasn't totally jealous!) and I was still striking out. It brought back every memory of loss, the sting of emptiness, the feeling of failure... My friend reminded me that someone elses pregnancy does not take anything away from God's plans for my children. There is not a " pregnancy quota" that once hit, production just shuts down. Someone else receiving that joy does not mean that now, you don't have the opportunity to have it as well.  I know it's incredibly hard to hear " It's all about timing, wait on God's timing, God's timing is perfect" I have been told these things millions of times since we lost the baby and although I know them to be true there were many times when I wanted to scream " Oh so easy for you to say! You have three healthy kids and they came so easily!" or " I think his watch is messed up! I've been waiting forever! This hurts and it's taking way too long!" Real thoughts born from real hurts people. His timing is perfect, there is no question about that. He does not promise that the waiting part is easy. He does not promise that it will be without pain or struggle, but then again, you really shouldn't be thinking about having children if you aren't willing to endure some labor pains.

We press on,
LB


UPCOMING POSTS:
I have several guest bloggers lined up. I have multiple people who are going to share their adoption story and give you first hand accounts of different agencies used and financial options. I will ask them to be very open about costs and payment options

I have a fertility Dr lined up to give tips and possibly to a Q and A with my readers. You'll submit questions via e mail or Facebook and I'll pass them on. She'll answer as many as she has time for and just give some general info on baby makin'

My husband is going to blog about a mans perspective during and after miscarriage and dealing with infertility

I'll write a series of " Say this, not that" tips on how to help people struggling with infertility and loss of a baby. I promise you will relate to this. I'm sure someone has unknowingly hurt you. it will also contain some ways to minister to people as someone who has dealt with this isssue. God is equipping you to minster to people. This blog has changed my life. This sorrow now brings me joy because he is using it for HIS glory!!

A business card from heaven

Here's the thing... when you're trying to get pregnant you spend the ENTIRE month noticing every little thing going on with your body and then you Google it to see if it's a pregnancy symptom. And you know what's weird? A ton of random things can be symptoms of pregnancy. So at the end of the month when you once again get that special little visit you are just baffled at how this could be? You had like 12 symptoms!! One time I had a metal taste in my mouth for a week.. go ahead.. Google it.. You can guess that since I am writing a blog about infertility, that metal mouth must not apply exclusively to being preggers. FYI if you have an infection, you can also get a metal taste in your mouth. My baby turned out to me an infection in my tonsils, cool.  The hardest part about trying to balance getting pregnant with not becoming a crazy woman who spends all her time on the Google machine is that getting pregnant is actually much harder than your dad would like you to know when you're 16 and about to go to prom with a boy two years older than you. Now I know it seems like some people just look at each other and BOOM.. baby, but getting pregnant is a far more intricate and delicate process than I ever realized. Kindal and I got married at 19 and 20 and I took the pill every day with out fail. I had an alarm set on my phone. We were poor and Kindal was not playing around. One time, maybe two months after we got married my alarm went off promptly at 9PM in the car reminding me to take my meds ( totally sounds like I'm geriatric but I feel like saying "the pill" over and over is dull for my readers.. and I'm all about you.) ( Do you like how I called you " my readers", like I write for the New York Times or something?" and I didn't have a sip of anything to drink. You should know I nearly choked to death on a jolly rancher when I was 8 years old. I didn't start taking pills until a month before I got married because they don't make liquid birth control and I am not getting a shot unless it prevents disease. Needless to say, I was not taking a pill with out water, juice... something. Kindal looked at me horrified when I said I'd take it when we got home, maybe a half hour late, if that. " Can you do that?" He questioned. " I don't think you should do that babe. I know... make some spit in your mouth, ya know like slosh around the spit until it makes a lot and then take it. You can't wait. It's 9:00. It's time." I refused and explained my near death candy catastrophe. He didn't care. We stopped at the next exit and got a drink. Sometimes I feel guilty when I look back. I don't think birth control is wrong by any means. I don't think Kindal and I were really ready at 19 and 20. I do wonder though if I should have started trying sooner. I wonder if our desire to just " be married" for a while was the right one. I can't change it, but I do encourage people to start trying sooner rather then later. You may be a fertile Myrtle but you might not be. You won't regret having a child 6 months ahead of your "schedule". Just thoughts in my head that I thought I'd share. Everything you read tells you not to worry until you haven't conceived after trying for 1 year. The first couple of months that seems like a generous amount of time, but as the year marker rolls around you start to really get antsy. It seems like every one is pregnant but you. Seriously... EVERYONE. Snooki jut had a baby ya'll... SNOOKI. You notice every pregnant woman, every baby, every adorable little baby ensemble at Target. You get your hopes up every month and every month you end up crying with a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. ( I would never do that, I work in fitness. I eat apples when I'm sad...) I don't claim to know everything about the Bible, but I know that if you read it you will see that God desires for us to have children. He commands Noah to be fruitful and multiply ( Gen 9:7). He answers Hannah's prayer for a child in Samuel 1:27. In Proverbs 31 where we see the description of a Godly wife he states " her children arise and call her blessed" ( v.28). God parallels his love for us in two ways. 1. As the Bridegroom ( Jesus) and Bride ( Church) and as The Father and his children. God does nothing on a whim. He uses those pictures because he designed those relationships to mean something. It's deeper than a friendship, stronger than the average bond. Most of you would die for your spouse, and for your children.... no questions asked. God connects the dots for us so clearly by helping us identify his love for us with relationships that are the deepest in humanity. Obviously, he loves us more. He created love, he IS love, so his love is deeper. I believe God instilled a desire in me to be a mother. I can't promise you I'll get pregnant. I can't promise you you'll get pregnant... today, tomorrow or ever. The truth is his plan for you may be adoption, it may be waiting for a very long time before you get pregnant, or it may be that this time next month you're messaging me telling me you're pregnant. I don't know, but I do know that God describes children as a blessing and that he gives us the desires of our heart. The desires of your heart should be one in the same if you are a believer and I think it's pretty clear that having children is something God created, desires for us, and blesses us with. Remember that it is a BLESSING, not an entitlement. Remember that your relationship with Jesus is the MOST important thing. Your salvation was and is the ultimate blessing. The most undeserved loving act by any father, ever. You can not let becoming pregnant take over God's throne. It is not your God and it will not complete you. I'm sharing this because it's true and you can not let something that is a God given desire turn into an idol. Don't even begin to think that YOU know how things should play out. Your child may already be on this earth. He or she may yet to be conceived by you or by someone else. You just don't know them... yet.

I titled this blog " A business card from heaven" because something SUPER cool and totally God breathed happened at work yesterday. I was working with a gentlemen on some paper work with one mf my co workers. We weren't really busy and she really didn't need my help but I decided to be a team player and help ( that's just the kind of gal I am ). I asked him for his name and instead of just telling me his name he said "Hold on" and fished out a business card from his wallet. I took it and saw that it said his name and then " Attorney at Law". I don't know why but something pressed me to ask him what kind of law her practiced. He basically had practiced every kind you possibly could. Everything from domestic stuff to straight up trail law. " Oh." I said. "I was looking for an adoption attorney." His eyes lit up. " I do that all the time." He said. We got to chatting and he threw out a few names of some people who could help. I shared my story and about this blog and he just stopped. " You know what?" He said, eyes kind of tearing. " I'm gonna help you. You're a sweet girl and I'm gonna help you. God has blessed me and I can help you. I'm going to help you get a child. I promise. You'll have a child. I promise you." I was stunned. He asked me to e mail him a profile about Kindal and I over the weekend. " Kids are so important and adoption is tricky but we'll make it happen." He said. I teared up and asked if I could hug him. We hugged. I thanked him about a million times. What are the odds? Who hands someone their business card instead of just saying their name? Why did I feel the urge to ask him what kind of law? I deal with lawyers and Dr.'s and specialist all day long. I never ask.... I looked at my friend Abbe after he left and said.. " Next blog post idea... check"

We press on,
LB