And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the LORD.”
I asked my friend Tristan to share some of her heart today. She and Josh are in the process of adopting through the Cherokee Nation. You can get more info about adopting through the Nation by e mailing home4kids@cherokee.org. You or your spouse will need to be a registered tribe member to consider this process. Enough with the business talk... here is what Tristan ( and Josh) shared.
As I sit here trying to figure out
what to share, the difficulty doesn’t come from a lack of material, but from an
abundance. Lori Beth has shared so much that resonates with me: the emotion
struggle of infertility and loss. The loss I know is different, but I can
identify with the sorrow felt at the loss of a future for a precious baby. I
had a great privilege to watch Gideon a beautiful blue-eyed boy from six weeks
to three months when he went to spend his days in heaven. I had pictured so
much for him, he wasn’t my flesh and blood, but I loved him. Honestly, my love
for him helps me to see that I could love deeply a child that didn’t share my
DNA. I continue to miss him daily, he left an imprint that will never lift from
me, and I am glad for the time I knew him.
Both
our inability to have babies and seeing a baby you love pass took me to places
of deep sorrow. I heard a quote in the midst of all our struggles that I held
tight to, “there are some days that are only experienced on the other side of
sorrow.” This has definitely been true
in our story. It has led me to a deeper truth that we are more broken that that
we could imagine and more loved that we could have hoped. I had to let go of t
what I thought our story would be and remember the Author and Perfecter of our
story.
We
have traveled seas of sorry to come to the place we are now, we haven’t quite
reached that joyful shore but it is on the horizon. This is our story that oh
so hoped for horizon:
As a
little girl I longed to grow up and be a momma. It is all I could truly give as
an answer to “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Every other answer was
always an until…
So,
when I met Josh, and we began to share our hopes, I was overjoyed to hear it
was a deep desire for him to be a father. But not only that, he hoped his wife
would be able to stay home with their babies. This was always my hope. I once
heard it said not to say always because it isn’t always true, but I really
think it is here. I cannot remember a
time when it wasn’t. We talked about family before we ever talked about
marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I knew he was the fella’ I would spend my life
with from the get’ go.
We
got married at the rip old’ age of 20. Josh was still in school to become a
teacher. We knew our hopes of me staying home would need to wait. From the
moment I knew he was the man I would marry, I couldn’t wait to have a family
with him. We waited three (pain-staking long) years to begin, or try to begin. I had foolishly thought it
would be easy.
It is
hard to sum up all the places it took me; fear, bitterness, defeat, brokenness,
heartache and sorrow were merely a few of the places I stopped on the journey.
Josh
was there steady and strong through it all. I knew his heart was breaking too,
but over and over he washed me with the Gospel. He relentlessly reminded me who
God was, and who was actually writing our story. Short and simple, it wasn’t
us, and to think we could do it better was not only foolish, it was wanting to
be God himself. He was unyielding in the
truth, and at times, I just wanted him to wallow with me. I can say now that I
am glad he didn’t. I am grateful he knew when to hold me as I cried, but also
when I needed a good ol’ kick in the tush (not literally), which, oddly both
seemed to come about every 28 days as I mourned that fact that once again there
would be a baby in nine months. I wanted often those times to believe the lie
that God wasn’t good, or that he didn’t get it right this time. I fretted he
wouldn’t and wanted to fell at time. Josh held my hand through the deepest
hurts and led me back to God, and reminded His thoughts are higher than ours.
We
now feel closer to the shore. I can taste and see the Lord is God. How
beautiful our story is, how it isn’t less or more, but perfectly ours. We had been trying for two years before we
begin down the path for adoption. It was as long as we needed for us to really
see what a beautiful story it is, how the Gospel shines in it.
At
two and half years, we met our babies. They aren’t legally ours, but I pray
they will be someday. I trust our Author and am confident in the beautiful end
to this story. Until we step on that shore, I will trust His goodness and rest
knowing I am His child.
Thank you Triz! :) I love hearing other people's stories. I love how gracious the Father is by allowing us to walk together through this. I cried tears of joy when Tristan and Josh got the call that they were getting not one child, but TWO!! I remember the first time Kindal met your little boy. He said that he waved Kindal over and said " That a tiger?" Pointing to Kindal's shirt. ( I'm hoping it was his BA Tiger's football shirt and not a Fort Gibson T... High School Hang on anyone? JK...sort of) Kindal replied, " Yep buddy." He pointed to Josh and said " That my Daddy?" ( I started crying as he relayed this part...#hotmess) "Yep buddy, he is." The boy smiled and then said " That a doughnut?" Pointing to the white box of deliciousness on the counter. Kindal chuckled. " Right again, yes." This is where your son's strategy shows. " I have one?" He asked beaming. The answers had all been "yes" up to that point lol he couldn't lose! The last thing I'll say is that when I read the part about Josh speaking the Gospel over you and you wishing he would wallow... I totally get that, lived that, understand that. Kindal was a tower of truth that sometimes I wanted to plow over with a bulldozer. He constantly said that "God would use this for his glory." I would get so angry at him. I mistook his truth for lack of emotion and I missed a message of hope sent by the Father. He IS the author of all things. He makes no mistakes and he WILL be glorified. What's funny is that your children were already on this earth every night that you begged the Father to give you a baby. Your prayers were already answered before you even asked. He had already fulfilled your deepest desires, upheld a promise, restored all your hurts....and now you see them. You hear their laughter, smell their skin, watch them sleep and you know that YOU are their momma. God wrote the story, beginning to end and he cast every "character". He has given you your role, fill it well sister, fill it well.
We Press On,
LB
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