mourning into dancing

It's an odd thing to have a heavy heart and a heart full of joy all at the same time. That sentence doesn't make sense and I know it. Let me explain. Since  starting this Blog, my life has changed. I get countless e mails daily from women who are hurting, mourning, struggling and desperate to " make sense" of what has happened to them. This isn't how they pictured it. They all describe the same perfect little  "white picket fence"scenario to me. " I thought we'd start trying and have babies just like that." " I thought I'd be a mom by 25....by 27....by 30.... by 35" " I've tried every trick, every tip, I've tried everything." "I thought I'd be done having children by this point in my life, not still trying to have my first." The white picket fence begins to chip and fade.... the plans we made for our life begin to reveal a terrible flaw... it was never really about OUR plans. It was never really in our control. That's the beautiful and frustrating thing about creating life, it's intricate, it's detailed, and it's rare my friends. People sleep together every day and yet every encounter does not result in life. Conception requires the right timing, it requires a multitude of things to " go right" and it doesn' allow much time for things to fall into place. Even after conception, there is no guarantee. Being knit together in your mother's womb, woven and spun into a living, breathing human being is no easy task. When I went to my Dr after I lost the baby, she informed me that roughly 30 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and that that number does not include eggs that have been fertilized but fail to implant. Some studies show that 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I was shocked. How could I not know this? I couldn't think of anyone I knew who had lost a baby.... that would change. The burden of this blog and the blessing all in the same breath is that I get to hear your stories. I am honored, humbled and quite frankly in awe of the fact that God allows me to do that... that he allows me to listen to you, pray for you and minister to you. I could not think of a more unworthy woman, yet here I am, being used, and it is more than I ever hoped for. Each story of loss challenges me. It encourages me to " keep pressing on", to stay in the Word, to be humble and open and honest. Each story tests me because I have to run to the Father and say " what about this sister? She's hurting, she needs you. Restore her, renew her, reveal your goodness to her." I have to continually put down the  question " why?" and instead pick up the question " how". " How will you use this Lord?" because I know that He will. I am living proof. Your stories make my heart heavy, but I am glad to carry them with you. Your stories also bring me immense joy. I met a woman at work yesterday who casually mentioned she was pregnant with her second child. We got to talking and she explained the the birth of her first daughter was a miracle, long suffered and that the journey was paved with loss. She miscarried multiple times before having her first healthy child. She and her husband have been trying for 5 years to have another baby and they had really given up. She started feeling sick, tired, moody.... could it be? Her 7 year old daughter will be a big sister at last. Be in prayer for her. Once you've lost a child, the joy of pregnancy is always tainted by the fear of loss. We know that God did not give us a spirit of fear. She knows that too and she faithfully trusts God no matter the outcome. I'm believing I'll be cuddling her new baby in a few short months. Every day God introduces me to women who prayed, just like Hannah in the Bible, for a child, and in His own timing, he delivered. (They delivered too, see what I did there? Clever, clever girl.)  Every day I read emails and messages that confirm two things. 1. Women need to know that they are not alone in this. They need to know that there is a God who knows their hurts and cares for them and that when he tells them to cast ALL their cares on Him, he means it. 2. God is faithfully fulfilling his promises to his children EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  It may not be when you wanted it, how you imagined it or even as easy as you thought it would be, but He is faithful. He is so many things to me. He is my Father, my defender, my creator, my deliverer, my Hosanna, my King and in the last year he has most certainly been my source of  comfort and ever present help in times of trouble.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Psalm. The book of Psalm was written mostly by King David. I love David because he is a hot mess and royally ( pun intended, see what I did there?) screwed up and yet God still calls him " a man after his own heart". David lusted, committed adultery, committed murder and still he is a central character of the Bible and was used mightily by
God. That shouldn't bother you, by the way, that God used David. God makes it habit to use people that are completely under qualified, unworthy and even at times unlikeable. That's good news for you and for me... and for mankind in general. Psalm 34:17-22 is a passage of scripture that speaks to me deeply. It's really beautiful and perfectly describes the "nearness" of the Father to his children.

17. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears them and delivers them out of all of their troubles. ( if you can get past " the Lord hears them" with out being in awe of the fact that the sovereign, most holy God is listening to us ... well, I don't know how to help you, AND THEN IT GETS REALLY GOOD... he delivers them out of all.... ALL... of their troubles.)

18. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and he saves the crushed in spirit. ( This is beautiful and speaks for itself. The crushed in spirit. There is no better description for how I felt on 9/30/2011. Crushed.)

Skipping to V. 20 He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken ( how can you be crushed but not one bone broken? Meet my Father, you'll see)
V.22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants: non who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Psalm 30:2-7

V. 2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you have healed me
V. 3 .... you restored me to life
V.5.... weeping may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.
V. 7. By your favor O Lord, you made mountains stand strong

I love V. 7. " you made mountains stand strong"... I'm glad my life is in the hands of the one who makes the mountains stand.... that's legit.


Psalm 30:11-12

V.11 You have turned my mourning into dancing.
Dancing is just about the most joyful expression of freedom I can think of. I imagine little kids, completely uninhibited, just dancing and laughing and I think that that is exactly what David had in mind too. The jump from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. The total freedom and joy in any circumstance brought only from the Father. Taking you from weeping, to just jumping and dancing with joy. V. 12 that my glory may sing YOUR praise and not be silent. I will give thanks to you forever.

Today's post is for the broken hearted. The one who can't see beyond the immense pain, the one who can not see any good in this, the one who is crushed in spirit.  It's for the one who aches for a child, the one who has cried too many tears to count. It's for the one who thinks they'll never dance again. You will.... he'll turn your mourning into dancing... it's just what He does.

We press on,
LB