the view from the throne

Today is my birthday. I am another year older, wiser (hopefully) and I am certainly stronger. I have been dreading this day all year. I have felt at times, that maybe my fear of this day made me weak. That maybe you would be disappointed in me if you knew how scared I was on September 29. I was unsure of how I would feel today. I was afraid that all the hurt, sorrow as emptiness would come rushing back and I would be a fraud to you. I write constantly about the healing that has taken place in my life and it is a fact that I have been healed. Healing, however, is a process. When you fall down ad scrape your knee, I mean really bang it up good, the wound heals in stages. It starts out really ugly. It's bloody and raw and it stings and aches. It's a constant reminder of the trauma you've suffered. Time passes and you see new skin, pink and healthy and there is hope. You're being made new. Finally, the wound closes and you're left with a scar. You're healed, no longer bleeding, no longer feeling the constant ache, but every now and then you look down and you remember what you've been through, what you have survived. You're healed, but you're not exactly the same. That's how I feel today. I am reminded today of a dark time. A time when I thought I'd never see " pink skin" underneath the ugly. I remember the loss, I remember the sting but more importantly, I remember the healing and ultimately the healer who brought it. Looking back on this year I have seen God do incredible things. I have heard his voice. I have felt his touch. I have experienced his goodness and I have been satisfied simply because he is exactly who he says he is. I don't fly often, but a few months ago I took a flight from Dallas to Tulsa. It's a quick flight. You've just buckled your seat belt and then you land. As we pulled off the runway, I saw the city of Dallas slowly disappear beneath me. The buildings that we look at and say " that's huge" became nothing but specks. The things that we've spent millions of dollars on soon reveal themselves for what they really are, nothing in contrast with what God has created. Tiny. Insignificant. Humble. The things that we look at and say " that's really something" look like children's play toys once you get up above them. God's perspective is much the same. He sees the big picture. He looks at what we've made, what we consider the " biggest and the best" and I can't help but wonder if he shakes his head as he overlooks the vastness of his own creation in comparison to the few things we have fashioned together. I have questioned the Father intensely over the loss of our child. I told him he couldn't use it for good. I didn't see what he saw. I couldn't see the view from the throne . He saw my turmoil and knew that it would be used to glorify him. He's still writing my story. He's not finished yet. To my baby girl. I miss you more today than I ever have. I wish you could have been there last night at my party. I wish I could have woken up to your cooing today, but I believe you know my Father very well. You've been sitting in his lap this whole time. We love you, we miss you..... We press on..... LB